It is real.

I am coming up on my third appt with the LLMD and have reached the time of the month when the borrelia hit the end of their regular life cycle and a whole bunch die at once.  I am starting my third herx today and it brings a bunch of things.

As my body tingles and feels too hot, yet cold, and completely exhausted, too exhausted to even play my favorite Facebook game, Gardens of Time (which is a simple look for objects in a picture game), a myriad of feelings come to me. I get a little zing of YAY!!!! Those nasty buggers are dying!! WOOO HOOO!!!! DIE you bastards, DIE!!!!!  And then I feel sad that feeling crappy is reason to celebrate.  And its scary.

This month is a little different than the other times I've had the monthly herx (the borrelia's natural life cycle is about 30 days long and its very typical to have a large die off that happens every 28-30 days).  I ran out of zithromax on Friday and haven't gotten the script refilled yet.  I decided not to push for it because I thought a little break would be nice.  It was!  I felt comparably great yesterday!  More energy, less stomach issues, I was more alert and wanting to do things than I have been since I started treatment.

So, today I get the fevery symptoms, right on schedule, even though my antibiotic load is less than usual.  This can only mean one thing.  I DO, unmistakably have lyme disease.  There is no question in my mind.  It is very real, I can't really deny it anymore.  And it scares the bejeezus out of me.  I remember learning about it in elementary school and being very scared about such a terrible disease that comes from a teeny tiny tick.  That if you miss early diagnosis, it turns into a nasty chronic disease that causes damage so even if the infection is treated all the symptoms don't go away.  And that it can affect your heart and brain.  Very big and bad things to a young kid.  Its big and bad to adults too.  Understanding the disease more and seeing how much it has affected me doesn't make it less scary - its worse now.

I can't deny that I have at least a good year and a half of this kind of treatment.  A year and a half at minimum of feeling this rotten and tired and unable to eat (which does have its benefits, I have to admit - at least when you're wanting to lose weight).  I worry about when insurance will stop covering my meds and monthly blood tests to be sure my organs are handling treatment ok, and I worry about how we''ll pay for it all.  I worry about my daughter having it too, because I was infected before Button was born, and lyme can be transmitted from mother to unborn child.  That possibility makes me sick in and of itself.

But, I ahve to stay on the bright side, need to take life day by day instead of looking at the big picture.  Sometimes I even need to just stay in the very moment.  Remind myself that every day is different and that it is GOOD that i'm treating my lyme.  That I will improve.  If I look at it from the dark side, I won't be able to make it.  Nobody could.  So I'm trying to focus on the good things to help me along.

So, good things for today are:
the bugs are dying!
Lizzie was really really good this morning when I wasn't able to wake up
my husband is always just a holler down the stairs away
I have loving pets that keep me company while I rest
Lizzie still takes a big long nap in the afternoon so I can rest too
I have family, friends and neighbors who are very caring, loving and helpful

And I could go on and on, but this post is long enough already.