A day in the life

Have you ever wondered what it feels like to have and be treating lyme disease?  If yes, read on.  If not, you can skip this post, cuz I'm kind of feeling like this is going to end up being whiny.

I'm feeling really rotten right now.  My hands ache - along each and every bone and in every joint.  My ankles and low back are joining in the ache chorus too.  A few minutes ago I felt the need to sit down on my kitchen floor because standing up was just too much and I didn't have the energy to complete the task I was in the middle of (getting Lizzie some juice).

I'm exhausted, feeling like I could curl up and fall asleep at any minute.  I'm counting down the time until Lizzie's nap, so I can take one too.  I just realized my ginger ale isn't right next to me and I have to get up and get it, but I'm not really feeling up to doing that right now.

All of Lizzie's activity and sounds (constant chatter and singing and general noise making) is making me feel overstimulated.  I had to tell her to go and sit on the couch instead of at my elbow a little while ago because when she bumped me, my whole body tensed up and I felt very anxious and crowded.

I feel like I'm going to puke or have diarrhea, alternately (medication side effects).  My lymph nodes ache and I'm feeling chilled. Yesterday I felt like my cheeks were flushed and I was feverish.  This is GOOD news, as it is a herx reaction, so it means I'm killing the buggers!  But it still feels like the flu.  Thankfully its pretty mild.

All this together makes me want to hide in bed and sleep.  But, I'm a mom and have a 3 year old to keep busy and out of trouble and a house that is begging for attention.  So I can't quite run off.  Maybe throwing a blanket over my head and body might create the illusion of hiding for a few seconds.  I should try it!

Goodbye amoxicillin!

Thankfully, today is the last day of amoxicillin.  I'm hoping that I'll start to feel a little better with less abx on board.  The sad thing is that this is just the beginning. I get a few weeks' 'break', that is, if you call taking 500 mg of azithromycin for a month a break, and then we'll be adding more stuff in and perhaps increasing the zith.  UGH!!!

I've been really exhausted and sore.  My armpits have been really tender and wearing a bra is painful.  No, I don't wear underwires, either.  I discovered today that my rice filled hot pack feels nice on it.  Doesn't completely take away the pain, but it is very soothing feeling.

Yesterday I had a bunch of gastric effects.  Noticeable pain and a little diarrhea.  Today it was better.  I find it interesting how each day has been different.

I'm trying to figure out what to do when I'm too tired to be up and around, yet not tired enough to fall asleep.  I tried listening to an audiobook and podcast, but I must have been in the wrong mood or didn't get the right ones or something cuz they didn't really do much for me and were almost irritating. Perhaps today would have been a better day to try and fall asleep.

I did figure out how to knit lying down though!  I need an extra pillow under my head and a one under each elbow.  Maybe I'll be able to do more of that.

I'm thinking of making list and basket or something of things I'll need when I need to be in bed.

Water
snacks
knitting
books
iPhone/iPad
laptop
cat and dog

Its really nice how my pets like to hang around me.  Very comforting.  They each have their own energy and it actually benefits me.  If I'm in a lot of pain and can touch both Daisy and Shane (like with a hand and foot), I feel HUGE improvements.  Daisy has a very sweet and healing, nurturing sort of energy and Shane is very grounding.  And Pif is really starting to spend a lot of time with me when I'm in bed.  I find it awesome and sweet!  I've really missed having cats and am SO glad that Jared thought to finally ask his friends who breed bengals if they had a cat that would fit our situation. He told me we'd be getting one of their retired breeders on my birthday! He really doesn't have much of an allergic reaction to her at all.  I'm so blessed!!  I'm still trying to figure out exactly what kind of energy Pif adds to the mix, but I'm leaning towards energized and vibrant.

Reality has been hitting me and its very daunting.  I've just had 5 days of treatment and this may have to go on for YEARS!  I haven't been able to empty or fill the dishwasher in one sweep!  There's just so many things that are hard for me to accept.  To write it all out is just too depressing.  I'm trying to focus on the positives and remain hopeful and upbeat.  But I imagine I'll be going through even darker times than this.

I feel as if I need to let go of ALLLLL expectations and just do what I can and not have to try and live up to anything.  No housework, no mothering, no wifeing, no socializing.  Just existing.  And that's a huge challenge, maybe even moreso than the fight within my body.  I have responsibilities!  I can't just drop them like a hot potato!  And none of those things are things that are disposable, yanno?  I CAN'T just ignore my 3 year old!  And the house needs to have at least a certain level of cleanliness to live in it comfortably.  I can't ignore my husband's needs, and not doing anything for my own enjoyment would lead to bad things too.

Its scary.

But you have to go THROUGH the forest to get out of it, right?  There WILL be good days, glimmers of light.  And the end.  I don't know what the path looks like yet and where the final destination will be.